Oh, come child

I remember hiding under my bed. It was dusty and I couldn’t move. I would breathe slowly and try to look for forgotten objects there.

I used to have crystal clear eyes.

Now my sight is divided between myself, someone I wish to be and someone I try to leave behind.

I used to listen obsessively to her song. And watch how she would dance and cry for help.

Oh, come child.

 

One road leads to the desert. It leads back home, to the land of unexpressed sexuality and unexpected hugs from the people who are taller and stronger than you, and you’re hiding behind their legs.

One road leads to the sea.

I was never afraid of water.

I was always afraid of the pedestals people put me on.

It always ended with be jumping off them.

I am thirsty.

I turn my back and I see the desert.

On the road there’s a child with long legs that tremble.

Cars pass in indifference and the child keeps on smiling and trembling.

There are tears in her eyes.

There’s no room for clarity anymore.

That full and absolute and overwhelming clarity.

Maybe I do not need to be rescued.

Maybe the child needs to be shown that there’s nothing wrong with having diamons eyes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU291yKCbBE

 

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Cristina says:

    So you’re a child too after all. You smile a lot in this dress – I don’t see the threat of crying while wearing it, I’d see you crying in denim oversized shorts and cotton socks and still no one would notice, çause you’d have those shades on and you’d keep on smiling and smoking. Yeah, I also do that. And I also got pushed on and kicked off pedestals a lot over time. Now I built my own, but it’s no bigger than a step on a staircase, so that if I fall off it, I don’t get hurt, and when it grows bigger, I just add another step. It’s pretty easy if you think of it, it’s pretty impossible when you get to try it, but somehow it actually works better than anything else.

  2. I am a child. We all are or should be…somehow. I was reading something related to the Peter Pan complex which lead me to the concept of puer aeternus. The interesting part here is the fact that this eternal boy or girl is an essential part of us. We can never escape. They say that it is very important to relate creatively and not destructively to this fundamental part. Freud and Jung are helpful here.

    I recently quit smoking.

    I was smiling because the dress made me happy. Which might mean I was relating creatively to my forgotten self.

    A shorter pedestal is a good compromise between self-adoration and self-loathing. I like this image. 🙂

    1. Cristina says:

      🙂 That first observation of mine was purely rhetorical. I must admit, I am more devoted to imagery than to rationalisation and concepts, but if we somehow got almost there, I must ask: so which one are you – the child that breathes brave naivety, intuitive wisdom and a rich & dense creativity or are you the child that violently refuses to grow up, hence commit to anything, expecting to be saved and simply thrown into the story where his/her life is supposed to be? Sure, we all keep basic traits of our childhood personas, and a smooth&patient psychoterapy can reveal the inner child even in the most mature, rational and sobre individual. Furthermore, I thing that both the positive and the negative ‘puer’ coexist in us, but one is surely more vocal than the other.

      To me, any discussion relating to such a concept is the quickest way to the problem of childhood and, most importantly, parents. I think that most of our emotional & pshychological debris stemms from that and I think parents are the most efficient psyche killers and the cause of the vast majority of our emotional issues. Every time I get to talk to a person that seems to have.. well, the fore-mentioned ‘issues’ which are really easy to detect, the next subject I try to bring to the table is their relationship with their parents (usually in a more discreet way, nonetheless;)) and then things suddenly start to add up:) Personally, I have been brought dangerously close to extinction by mine (parents, that is). The only way that the subconcious child in me (at 19, I was still subject to the obsession of being perceived as a mature and independent person, and when I noticed that that was by no means possible, I tried to be ostentatiously wild and preoccupied with hurting myself and the others, in a way that I mistakenly thought to be ‘coldblooded’, when it was simply foolish and distasteful) felt that it must do in order to get away from that extremely toxic, perverse and castrating family of mine was to get my own family. So I got knocked up during the baccalaureate, luckily with the right person, so I didnt mess up my life, as everyone else thought I did. I still have a lot of work to do in the direction of keeping my parents at a safe distance, while avoiding conflicts and such, tricking them into believing they actually have a relationship with me, but occasionally, they hit me with unbelievably cruel things. I noticed that you mentioned your dad being the photographer behind a number of your posts, but I won’t step over your privacy and ask you more about things that even I don’t directly mention on my blog (I only suggest – after all, my parents struggle to read a few of my posts, too;)). Let’s just say that you’re either a lucky girl, being able to smile at your dad like that, or someone who will eventually get torn to pieces, just to realise that the biggest enemies are quite often your closest ones (yeah, too dramatic, I know, but I kinda go radical when I get here).

      I think we should really get to go out for some coffee soon, a train ride to Bucharest would probably be less time consuming than the chats we’ll (hopefully) have during the next couple of months – and I have a proposition for you, more details about that on fb:))

      PS. I forgot to say – I also quit smoking two months ago – well, I still smoke one to three cigs whenever I drink alcohol (which doesn’t occur too often, anyway). Why did you quit?

      PS2. I’d say that the most negative side of the negative in puer aeternus (how clumsy it sounds) is the nurturing of ‘personal mythology’ – you have this ideal, very high image of yourself, and anything that doesn’t fit to that, you don’t even bother to do, because it’s more comfortable to stick to waiting for the myth to come true and don’t threat it with anything that might not come out as a strikingly successful step ahead in the dellusional direction. So eventually you get to do nothing at all. That was my most horrible illness for many, many years. Sounds a bit familiar, polka-dotted puella? 🙂

      1. I think I am both I guess, but trying to leave behind that selfish and irresponsible and pleasure-driven creature – the negative aspect of the puer aeternus.

        They fuck you up your mum and dad, as Philip Larkin poem goes ( poem recently discovered by a dear friend of mine – http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055 ) but I must add that there comes a time when we can stop blaming the parents. Of course they are the first ones who can influence your life in a disastrous way, but there comes a time when you can really move on and start taking responsibility for your own evolution. And I got the impression that you’ve already started doing that.

        My relationship with my parents is rather benign, with ups and downs, of course. But they love me madly, which brings a lot of joy (but tragedy as well). It’s easier to deal with them bearing in mind that their demands are strongly related to their past and their fortunate or less fortunate interactions with their own parents.

        I think you’re brave to have had a child despite your rather unfortunate experience with your parents.

        And regarding the last part : yes, it sounds extremely familiar …the part where you build such a strong projection of yourself…like watching an enormous TV screen with an ideal image of yourself running for hours and hours. I am trying to switch the channel , with slow but definite success.

        I quit smoking because it started making me feel sick. Which means it has been relatively easy to quit. It always made me sick, but I guess I was able to admit it only after years of love-hate interactions. ( again INTERACTION).

        As for the photographs taken by my father…they define our relationship very well, as he has been taking them for a very long time. That’s why I am rather relaxed and happy in the pictures he takes. And he rarely judges my poses.:)

        Do come for coffee, anytime! Bucharest is great, even during summer.

  3. Emanuel I. says:

    E super dragalasa rochia…
    😀

  4. Multumesc! Si mie mi s-a parut asa cand am gasit-o. Cred ca e chiar pentru copii. 🙂

    1. I used to be and still am fascinated by it.

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