Video Games

I’ve been thinking of myself lately as being Dan Humphrey and occasionally Blair Waldorf, without her impeccable taste and without her obsession for control.

I feel strangely and strongly close to all these rich and beautifully damned people. I haven’t finished the series yet but I think it has little to do with fairy tales about Upper East Side queens with unbreakable hearts and porcelain skin, or at least it has the courage to challenge our ways of easily judging “their world”.

Maybe there’s a reason for their world to be  forever closed, maybe we’re part of the reason we’re not in and never will be. I’ve never hated anything more than poor people who think they’re better just because they’re poor.

There are things I cannot even dream of having yet and it makes me sadly watch my piles of second hand clothes. There’s nothing shameful here.

I’ve always felt tempted to assume an ideal Dan Humphrey position and now I’m quite ashamed of that. There comes a time when you have to face the fact that maybe you’re the person responsible for not having what you wish for and not the people who seem to always get what they want.

What I’ve learnt from Dan Humphrey is that you can write, but you shouldn’t judge too hard. What I’ve learnt from Blair Waldorf is that you may be strong even though you’ve fallen so many times. I’ve also learnt that just because you happen  to look perfect all the time it doesn’t mean you’re taking things for granted.

I’m not ashamed anymore of those moments in which I imagine myself dressed in the silkiest and  most carefully tailored clothes. I, I sometimes think of my eternal and mad love Manhattan and sigh and imagine myself  eating out everyday, going to parties and shining in the most honest and profound manner, getting trapped, losing control, cheating, hurting myself or others but somehow coming back up and embracing my true self , discovering with surprise parts  I thought would never start to grow.

I am not afraid of myself anymore and I pity those who still are afraid of themselves, standing outside forbidden windows, claiming they don’t need what’s inside. I don’t think richness corrupts as much as our own devious and shallow ways of not accepting our whole selves, hiding behind rags, eating clay and  claiming we’re saviors of the world when we can’t even save ourselves. Our own bitterness  and hypocrisy are toxic, so don’t hurry with those gas masks , you might find your own breath to be unbearable.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Cristina says:

    That last sentence is epic:) For all I know, I think everyone eventually gets what they should and can handle for the best. No more, no less than that. It depends on us how we receive it. I’ve always had these dreams of myself also covered in the silkiest, perfectly cut, designer (or at least high-street, damn it!) garments (but, to be more honest about that, I usually imagine myself wearing my own design, and that’s both fun and extremely sad) and torturing my feet only in JCs, Nicholas Kirckwood and Acne, and being a part of the Upper Side social scene. So when I see my real whereabouts, it’s always tempting to cast the shame on them. I give dreams too much credit and trust reality no more. That’s another way of screwing it up, besides the one you’ve just delivered:)

    Oh, and speaking of TV series – do you happen to watch True Blood;)? I do, and sometimes it’s a nightmare – I honestly want to be a vampire! that power… it’s more than money or Uper East Side or designer clothes. I dream of growing fangs and sticking them into the necks of random people on clicheic dark alleys – not a killer, but a predator. I’d like to be more than human, one day. But now I am very humanly ashamed of how silly I am.

  2. You just keeping on doing what you do and dreaming what you dream of knowing that it’s fine and that you’re not even hurting yourself because those dreams can be fitted in a flexible image of yourself.

    I also think that you shouldn’t be ashamed of your “real whereabouts”. Shame might keep you from evolving, from outgrowing them if necessary.

    I didn’t get the chance to see the True Blood series. I’m the Gossip Girl phase for the moment, but I will surely check it out. As for power, well…I think it stems from being fully human, the hardest task of them all. Nevertheless, I see your point. It reminds me of American Psycho.

  3. daria says:

    learning something from those two? I never thought about it that way.

    1. Yeah, it took me some time but I finally did start learning something from them. 🙂

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