You can honk all your horns, boys…you know it’s too late. Where were you when I used to hide my skinny white legs? Were you holding wider thighs between your arms, were you dreaming of creamier consistencies or fuller lips hips breasts? I’m sure you were, I’m sure you still are. Were you making fun of me? Oh, how you still are. How you mock my glasses how you mock my walk how you mock my back how you mock my colors every chance you get. I used to cry over your silly grins and silly mouths and silly trousers and silly sneakers.I used to dream of a day when I wouldn’t be ashamed of walking around in short skirts or tight pants. That day finally came around last year without me even realizing it.
You said : you’re beautiful.
I said : Oh, what do you know?
You weren’t those honking boys, you never were.
You just stared blankly and said : You have the skinniest legs I have ever seen.
It hurt me then. I thought you could, I thought you might be a honking boy, hiding behind expresionless gazes and a fragmentary behaviour. Then one day you looked again and said : your thighs are my favourite part of your body.
Days passed,legs spread and undressed, legs started kicking and showing themselves in front of all the mirrors in the world, not one single mirror was ever broken, not one single day was spent hiding again.
Now they’re telling stories about girls with long skinny legs, they adore them, they talk and talk, they photograph them, they chase them around, they worry about their fragility, then they attach sickness to skinniness and health to fatness and I’m sitting here confused, smiling but actually sighing in bittersweet relief.
Now I can take pictures of my legs, am I right? Now I can cut the pants that I buy so they can be really really short, yes? Now you honk your damn horns when you catch a glimpse of my legs and they’re furious, they’re screaming : you don’t deserve them, honking boys, greasy boys, you don’t get to make a girl feel guilty about her body all of her life and then just decide she’s the one you honk with your loud and vulgar horns. My legs hold a grudge larger than your tiny lives and tonight they’re mad. They’re putting on some large colourful pants like they used to do almost everyday of their existence and they’re pulling you so close and I know you should be afraid, honking boys, you’re trying to laugh but you choke and I just…
I just want you to know that I just wish they’d be thinner, like they used to be when I was 13 and I wish they could just walk all over you.
I’m letting myself bleed now, I’m wearing white shorts and bleeding all over myself and you’ll never understand, greasy honking fat boys, you’ll watch me pass by and you’ll horn and I won’t even care and you won’t even dare dream of anything more than that moment when you honk your pitiful sad horn.
He said you’re really an ugly girl , but I like the way you play.
And I died
But I thanked him.
Can you believe that?
this post is dedicated to mum and dad, Ionut, Rux
pictures by dad