My Sharona, my Winona

Troy Dyer [On answering machine] : At the beep, please leave your name, number, and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man’s existential dilemma, and we’ll get back to you.

Maybe growing up doesn’t necessarily mean getting a job and forgetting about free Thursdays. Maybe it implies getting things done without permanently losing parts of yourself that used to define you. Maybe immaturity is precisely that moment when you’re incapable of leading a life of your own and you let other people point fingers at you, point towards the direction of your life. And then again, there’s that fear that no matter what you do you’ll end up like your parents. I think I do somehow, I think we do…but not by getting jobs the moment we turn 20 or 21 or 22.

I am not sure what I’m actually talking about. I’m almost 23 and it’s only now that  I understand movies like Reality Bites or shows like Girls. I always get excited about them and somehow relieved, thinking : “Oh, I’m not the only one not having a clue”, hoping this will eventually make me a proud owner of a clue but that  never happens and I realize that there are young people just like me making things happen, giving it a try, creating and I’m just sitting on a sofa feeling sorry for myself.

But then again…there is this perverted obsession with the act of doing. I feel that sometimes people around me would just be happy to see me do something : from working at McDonalds to working in a publishing house, from cleaning toilets to talking to presidents, from washing windows to answering important phone calls. It doesn’t matter the reason you’re doing what you’re doing, how you’re doing affects others, just give us all the doers you have and we’ll make the world a better place. “We just want to see things done.

I’ve never been a doer  in this sense and now I’m starting to feel less guilty about it. It’s funny how after just a few years of philosophy (and psychoanalysis) you start to notice how people get all sorts of irrational ideas, how they misuse words or how they live their life through series of irrefutable and highly rigid verdicts. For instance, people feel they know what fashion is about and confuse their feelings about it with a permanent and objective vision about what fashion stands for. I’ve always been an advocate of pluralism in interpretation, but there are many days when I feel trapped in a web of loudly stated definitions, with my hands tightly tied behind my back and my mouth carefully closed.

I had a long talk with one of my former Teaching Assistants. ” You’ll die here, he said.”

“People don’t act like they need or want philosophy around here. And they don’t.  They don’t need it elsewhere either, but you’ll manage to breathe more easily as far away as possible.”

I can almost hear the nationalistic stones being thrown in the direction of my dreams. But before you do, think of the last time you’ve actually had the time to think about something around here. Think of the last time you’ve afforded to make a helpful distinction between concepts that proved to be relevant for your life.

 I’ve never been a child of a single land and never will be.

I never dream about finding a home, I dream of creating as many homes I need. And the clay here is just toxic. The time has come to breathe a different air and start looking at people straight in the eyes.

I had a walk with Ionut yesterday. We couldn’t find a single place we wanted to stay in. The music was too loud, the people too insecure, their dirty money flashing before our tired eyes like the scariest monster grins. I have grown tired of running away from them. I’ll start walking as far away as possible, in the direction of their fears, just to make sure they won’t be there.

photos and styling by Ionut

2 Comments Add yours

  1. silvia says:

    I have (read – I make) time to think about all sorts of shit..around here. But I am aware I am one of the lucky few that can afford this luxury.
    You’re still ohh so young, you have plenty of time for the “doing” and for changing your mind thousands of times regarding what it is that you wanna do. I am a big fan of procrastinating whenever one can afford it. 🙂

  2. Thanks for finding the time and reading my thoughts and complaints. I try to find time as well but I find it very difficult(ly). Somehow I agree, I am still so young but I tend to compare myself with people much older than me. A friend laughed at me when I compared my “doing” with all the great things Woody Allen had created. He said : You know he’s 70.

    Thank you once again. 🙂

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