The Clown





“I felt sick. I forgot to say that not only do I suffer from depression and headaches but a I also have another, almost mystical peculiarity: I can detect smells over the telephone.  . . . I had to get up and clean my teeth. Then I gargled with some of the cognac that was left, laboriously removed my makeup, got into bed again, and thought of Marie, of Christians, of Catholics, and contemplated the future. I thought of the gutters I would lie in one day. For a clown approaching fifty there are only two alternatives: gutter or palace. I had no faith in the palace, and before reaching fifty I had somehow to get through another twenty-two years.”

-Heinrich Böll, The Clown

Contemplating failure almost every day, I slowly turn from Marie into Hans.

I have always been attracted to Hans-like characters, but it never occurred to me  that I was reaching towards myself actually.

All these desperate missions, all this thirst for saving someone who cannot properly manage oneself –

maybe it is all just a fight with my inner desperate-not-capable-of-doing-anything-wannabe-artist-and-free-thinker demons.

I have never been a woman, then.

The kind of woman who ruins everything through her delicate, vulnerable gestures.

I am a living statue, without time for shaving my legs or arm pits,

dressing in wedding gowns on the streets –  just like Amanda Palmer.

Photography by Doru Moraru

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Anaivilo says:

    Oh that skirt is just amazing! I love the volume and the color..and the way you wear it! Gorgeous!

    1. Thanks, love the skirt too. Bought it recently from AbFab Fair. Love at first sight, of course.

  2. kittenhood says:

    is the skirt by Mirela from Cluj? 🙂 it’s gorgeous. and I love your hat and the way they all look together.

    1. I am not sure who made the skirt. I bought it from the AbFab Fair last weekend. I didn’t receive a card or anything, so I appreciate your suggestion. Still not sure though if it is true. Thanks for everything!!!

  3. wow, that skirt is absolutely fabulous. and that hat too, I adore the color. where did you get it?

    1. Love the skirt as well. The hat is from a vintage fair in Bucharest, no brand or anything, bought it for 20 RON or so. I am glad you liked them! >:d<

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