My name is Jenny Schecter and I spread my legs in front of boys and girls.
I walk late at night, wear fur, mascara and glitter headbands.
I cut my hair short so I won’t be mistaken for a straight person ever again.
Me and my ex-girlfriend used to pee together and there is nothing I hate more than abusive, macho, self-centered men.
I remember those boys – that night in the barn, those boys with their tiny strong hands pushing me, holding me, touching me – my dirty shirt, my dirty skirt – writing the same story over and over again, never getting close enough to fiction. It hurts so much sometimes.
When I bathe I keep a glass near the tub, I fill it with water and pour it on my head – still not even close to actually breathing. I cut myself that day, mother said she was sorry, Warren wanted me to marry that Jewish boy, Tim wanted me to stop fucking Marina – but then again – I am a woman, my thighs long for soft, silkier thighs, I thought I loved Carmen, and then I fucked up. I cut myself and for a moment it all went away.
I cut my hair short, I cut my life short, I cut my left leg and cried.
I cried while sleeping, I cried while dreaming, I cried while eating, I cried while sleeping.
I never seem to wake up from my nightmares.
My big green eyes are soft and wet, I smile and take my clothes off in front of hungry, greasy, testosteron driven organisms. They shout and scream, they think they could ever own my body. When I am on stage I feel safe, I feel in control. I take my clothes off – my bra – my breasts, luminous, hard nipples – they scream even harder – they will never own me again – I give my body when I want to , to whomever I want to – I loved Moira – she sometimes becomes Max and hurts me, just like any other man is capable of – then I show them my pussy – my fully covered black haired vulva, my legs drawn closely together – they get what they paid for.
My name is Jenny Schecter and I spread my legs in front of mirrors. I see life and death there , I see boys sneak peaking and stealing porn magazines from their older brothers, I see their clumsy hands, but it does not hurt anymore. I put my hands above their hands and push them deep inside. They want out, I push even harder.
My name is Jenny Schecter and I could spread my entire life in front of you.
My name is Jenny Schecter and I want you to feel my womanhood running through your veins.
First – the blood that drips on the bathroom floor, then – my saliva, my tears – my squirt.
Then you’ll know. Then you’ll stop being afraid.
pictures by dad
* inspired by Jenny Schecter from The L Word