The first time you’re unfaithful won’t be the worst time you’re unfaithful

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Listen to Arab Strap

We never adjusted after incorporating lust. I cannot write about unfaithfulness anymore. I cannot write about anything else than this balcony on which I have spent so many nights, with the door open, lying down drunk listening to Pink Floyd, smoking a cigarette, thinking of how he’s been unfaithful in front of everyone when I was only 16, thinking of how I’ve been unfaithful from the very beginning, with every single one of them. Except with you. With you I decided to end it by being unfaithful. I first listened to Arab Strap while being unfaithful together with someone who made a rule from being unfaithful. When you listen to Arab Strap while being all alone it dawns on you that this guy is singing about all the boredom, the irrelevance and petty universality of every single relationship he’s been through. Arab Strap is all about being exhausted from all the sadness and the fighting love sometimes brings. It feels like they capture that distinctive moment when you’ve already given up . You lay there on the bed, next to him or her – you cannot fight anymore, you don’t know if love should feel like this or if only sickness feels like this – you smoke for a while, with calculated, slow moves, you feel your body sinking but you are not afraid anymore – you have already crossed that boundary and landed into the realm of  disastrous hurtful words, tears and disrespect, for yourself, for the other. It does not matter anymore. You have just stopped asking yourself when your emotional life has become so messy. Then you most likely fall asleep.

’You said you know what I’m like…’

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